...the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circled orb...

In a discussion with some girlfriends today, I read these words:

"...if he were always my Forever True Love Sprinkles Fairy, I'd have to kill him," and "I'd never be able to stay in love with him if we greeted each day with rose petals and butterfly kisses.... "

Funny...I think that a good 90% of my problem is that this is precisely what I want. Precisely what I've always wanted. Not that I don't believe that all things contain their opposite and that sometimes you have to have a bit of dark to appreciate the light, but...eh, I think that reading fucking Shakespeare in 7th grade, at the ripe old impressionable age of 10, SO skewed my life. Goddamn Romeo & Juliet anyway lol

I like to think - and to say, even - that I'm a pragmatist, that I'm a realist, that I live my life totally based on what IS. But, more and more, I think that's utter crap. I think that I'm an idealist and that, sometimes, I idealize what I WANT to the point that anything less is unacceptable, or intolerable. This gets me into trouble sometimes, because I get all woe-is-me about how my expectations are never met. Well, boo hoo and lemme get the back of my hand to my forehead. Hello? Life is about unmet expectations, life is about disappointments, life is about challenges and hurdles and overcoming. It's about how you reach up to snatch a curve ball out of the air, or make your escape from a nearly airless containment cell with chewing gum and tin foil, a la McGuyver. See how I do that? I say ooh I want it perfect, then say hey, nobody's perfect. Walking contradiction...that's me.

Life is about it all, right? Good and bad. Even the next tattoo I have planned tells me that somewhere in the midst of my melodrama, I know this. Whether I like it or not.

So, here's the scoop on the tattoo design. Two elements - violets, and the words "amor fati."

The violets...well, we're all familiar with the term shrinking violet, and that does play a role here, but it mostly has to do with the line from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (the Johnny Depp flick version) where Violet's mother reminds her, "eyes on the prize, Violet...eyes on the prize." And so, violets.

"Amor Fati" is a Latin phrase that means Love Your Fate/Life. However, Nietzsche, in Ecce Homo, uses it this way: "My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it — all idealism is mendaciousness in the face of what is necessary — but love it." I love this notion - love it ALL: good, bad, indifferent, unpleasant, joyous, maddening, superlative, miserable, confounding, staggering, awesome, wretched... It is ALL who we ARE. And without it, we would not be us, and so to pick and choose, to separate it out, to parcel our lives into bits and pieces - that seems counterproductive to me. That idealism has no place regarding what's necessary is a blow to my Self, but that doesn't make it any less important a lesson, especially to me - She Who Has Expectations So High As To Be Pulverized By The Inconstant Moon. And I want a reminder of it inked into me, permanently.

Whether the words encircle the image or whether the image rings the words doesn't matter. But they must both be there. As a reminder that sometimes what we want isn't always what we need, and sometimes what we think we want is the very thing that would make us insane.

"Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for." ~Lawrence Block

I hate to think that it's about lowering expectations. Perhaps it's about adjusting them, tweaking them, fine tuning them. I mean...look what happened to Romeo & Juliet in the end, after all, huh?

I'm all done expecting a Forever True Love Sprinkle Fairy. And I really don't like butterfly kisses all that much. But some rose petals - once in a while? - might be nice. Or violets. Yessss. Violets would be lovely.

What is WHAT?

"Mama, what is herpes?" asks my seven year old daughter.

I look up from PostSecret, certain I'd misheard her.

"What is what, honey?" I ask, my face all corkscrewed with confusion.

"What is herpes?" she repeats dutifully.

And she stands there waiting for me to answer her.

I spin in my chair to face her. My brain scans some synapses and I think "ok this must be about one of those ads for the HPV vaccine..."

"Well, sugar, herpes is a virus and if you get that virus, you're more prone to some types of cancers when you're a grown up. And so there's a vaccination that they developed for girls your age - you know, to make it less likely that somebody who had this virus would develop those cancers as an adult."

She ponders this for about twelve seconds then says "well, there was a commercial on and it said you have to be careful."

Nodding, I said "yep, careful is always best."

Then, as she spins on her heel and heads off, she leaves me with "well, this commercial was about grown ups, not kids. I'm watching Dirty Jobs. You know, Dad loves this show. It's hilarious."

DAMN but I love advertising. Gosh, don't you? Tomorrow when she asks about Erectile Dysfunction, I'm definitely going to send her to her father for an answer.

eh you knew I would

And away we go.

I promise nothing but navel-gazing and pompitudes.

Oh wait. That would be Steve Miller, right? Ahh yes. And who am I to question such profundities as this:

The question to everyone's answer
Is usually asked from within
But the patterns of the rain
And the truth they contain
Have written my life on your skin

Onward. Let's boogie.

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work? - Nope. And eww.

What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated? - The man to whom I am currently married is five years older than I.

Ever been in a car wreck? - Only one. A man who had to drag his oxygen tank along behind him plowed into a lady in her one-day-off-the-lot car who bounced into me.

Were you popular in high school? - Nope. I was one of those emo/goth types when we were just called "freaks".

Have you ever been on a blind date? - Not even once.

Are looks important? - They're not important but they're influential.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more? - Only one that I'm in contact with beyond holiday cards.

By what age would you like to be married? - I believe that the real question here might be "by what age would you like to be single again?" And in that case? I shall only smile a Mona Lisa smile and remain silent while thinking of my upcoming birthday.

Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them? - No. Should it?

Are you a good tipper? - Absolutely. Those who wait on me would generally love to do so again, and I don't mean to imply that I have sparkling wit or am a stellar conversationalist. If you know what I mean.

What's the most you have spent for a haircut? - A few years ago I decided I should color my grey, as it was starting to make me look pale and pasty. When the salon chick informed me that I owed them $110 I knew I'd never do that again. Fortunately for me, the Universe provided me with a fabulous and inexpensive alternative.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? - I think so but I wasn't enlightened enough at that point in my life to recognize it. What a shame.

Have you ever peed in public? - A few times.

What song do you want played at your funeral? - Oingo Boingo's Dead Man's Party? I do love me some Danny Elfman. He's a fucking genius.

Would you tell your parents if you were gay? - My folks love me no matter what I tell them.

What would your last meal be before getting executed? - *shrug* Crab legs. What a lame farkin answer but I guarantee you I'd not be thinking of food, kwim?

Beatles or Stones? - Really? Neither.

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be? - Eh, I'd just walk the halls of a hospital and choose someone who was on the way out anyway. Standing there til it was their time to cross wouldn't be any big deal, then I could just say "yeah, him..." and be done with it.

Beer, wine or hard liquor? - I'm a vodka-and-something sorta girl, but I'm not a frequent drinker.

Do you have any phobias? - Claustrophobia. Grasshoppers and other jumpy bugs. Big birds.

What are your plans for the future? - Owning my life.

Do you walk around the house naked? - Not really. I'm not an exhibitionist but I don't wig out if I'm naked and need to wander through to somewhere else.

If you were an animal what would you be? - A hawk. Or an owl. Or maybe a pelican or even an albatross. Interesting, given my aversion to big birds, don't you think?

Do you have any special talents? - Not so much.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house? - Take the earpiece from my phone out of my ear and put it on the counter where it belongs, otherwise I will lose it.

Do you like horror or comedy? - I don't watch horror movies and I don't read comedies.

Are you missing anyone? - Always.

Where do you want to live when you are old? - I have no specific mental image of this.

Who is the person you can count on the most? - I had to really consider this question for a long time before coming to the conclusion that in this life, the only person I've ever been able to count on is me. And in a strange by-product moment of introspective irony, I realized that I let me down nearly all the time.

If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be? - Marilyn. I seem to go for her type. Emotionally and mentally, I mean; not so much the whole blonde thing.

What did you dream last night? - Last night I dreamed that I was helping the man to whom I am married as he assisted someone at a food stand and then he kept telling me we were going to walk to San Juan. I kept insisting that we'd need a boat and he kept arguing with me about it.

What is your favorite sport to watch? - Hockey, but even that has lost it's appeal.

Are you named after anyone? - Nope.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink? - In case you have short term memory function issues, I shall remind you: I'm a vodka-and-something sorta girl.

Non alcoholic drink? - Pop.

Have you ever been in love? - My life has been all about Love. My earliest feeling-memories, which is the method I seem to catalog by, are all about Love and the outward circling ripples of Love. It seems to be both the driving force of my life and the bane of my existence.

Do you sing in the shower? - No, but I do a lot of thinking in the shower.

Have you ever been arrested? - No.

What is your favorite Holiday? - I used to say my birthday but then the man to whom I am married sucked the joy out of it by ignoring my obvious glee. Now? I don't have a favorite holiday. They're all equal amounts of work chez moi.

Would you ever get plastic surgery? - Doubtful. Not that I'd mind losing some bits I'm not all that happy with, but the complication risks are too vast and the pain of recovery in such non-vascular areas really overshadow the vanity for me.

Have you ever caught a fish? - Yep, I have. And if I can drum up the picture, I'll scan it in.

We all face a scarlet conclusion but we spend our time in a dream.

Yep. Yeah that.

Everything's better when wet.

Ahh nothing wanes poetic more than a little Jungle Love.

Oh look. 2:45. In the morning.

Amazingly I'm still awake. Yeah, I'm not surprised either.

I have been charged with some questions by the sweet yet tangy Lemony and since I do live to serve, I offer the following answers:

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Ten years ago. June of 1997? Oh mercy...

I had just celebrated my first year's anniversary weeks earlier. And we readying to leave jobs we loved and a town we loved to move back to the midwest because my dh's ex had called and told us she didn't know what she'd do with my stepson if we couldn't take him. We felt it best to keep him close to what he knew so we moved there. The ride was misery, the summer was unbearable, and I was blissfully unaware of the unbearable misery that loomed on the horizon.

Really, imagine you're watching a movie and the innocent heroine is speeding along a lush country road overhung with shady trees. She's whizzing in and out of the sunlight that dapples the smooth road in her shiny new car, smiling that LifeSated smile. But you, the careful observer, have already learned that up ahead? The bridge is out! That heroine? Me, ten years ago.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

A year ago? Wow. A year ago I was working on emotional detachment while enjoying the summer heat.

Five snacks you enjoy:

cashews
cheese
yogurt
carrots
chocolate chip cookies, which are my verybestfavorite. Of course.

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:

Take Me, I'm Yours - Squeeze
Dear God - XTC
Change Your Mind - Sister Hazel
Breathing - Lifehouse
Naked - Tracy Bonham

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

Buy my folks a ranch so they don't have to wrangle all those steps.
Pay off some mortgages.
Buy a house. Somewhere else.
Take a trip. To somewhere wonderful.
Step off the habitrail and into the world.

Five bad habits:

Being overly critically analytical.
Putting food into my mouth to stop me from saying what's on my mind.
Expecting the worst.
Staying up too late.
Picking at my cuticles.

Five things you like doing:

Reading.
Joyriding.
Wandering aimlessly.
Basking in the presence of good company.
Losing myself in daydreams.

Five things you would never wear again:

Polka dots.
My wedding dress.
Elf boots.
Drop waists.
Camoflage.

Five favorite toys:

My computer.
My cell phone.
The cool games on our digital cable.
Hell if I know any other favorite toys. My favorite toy is broken, thankyouverymuch, and therefore isn't making the list. I know - poor me. Perhaps if it wasn't broken, I'd be sleeping by now.

Snatch 'em and answer 'em if you want. You're under no obligation.

A ring finger, eh?

You Are a Ring Finger

You are romantic, expressive, and hopeful. You see the best in everything. You are very artistic, and you see the world as your canvas. You are also drawn to the written word. Inventive and unique, you are often away in your own inner world. You get along well with: The Pinky Stay away from: The Index Finger

What Finger Are You?

Today I question the Universe.

Why, I ask, has this child chosen me to be her parent? And why, oh why, did I choose her to parent?

That answer is so elusive today.

My feet didn't even touch the floor accompanied by the usual painful wince from plantar fascitis and she was in full crisis mode already.

She couldn't find the waffles in the freezer and she'd wanted to make her own breakfast.

Immediately I say well let's go look together. Maybe I can help you find them.

We go. We find. Your favorite aunt folded the bag up small because there was only one waffle left and it was tucked up behind some other things...hard to see when you're a girl.

Think that worked?

Yeah. NO.

She wept and wept. And wept some more.

My choice here: do I tell her to stfu and suck it up - look HERE are the waffles now STOP the whining, kid, and let's eat? *or* do I drop it a notch, say I SO understand but let's find the lesson, shall we?

I sat down on the floor and said ok here's the thing, baby girl, sometimes Life presents you with frustrations. Sometimes Life doesn't go the way you want it to. Sometimes Life puts speedbumps in your way. But how you DEAL with those speedbumps is a whole 'nother thing entirely, right? If you sit down in the middle of the floor and fall to pieces crying then you're not going to find the way around the speedbump. If you sit down in the middle of the floor and fall to pieces crying then you can't solve the problem you're crying about, right?

weep weep weep weep

Sugar, I don't want you to have to sit down and cry every time Life frustrates you. I don't want you to have to sit down and cry every time something is hard, or harder than you expected, or different than you expected it might be. I want you to learn - or to start to learn anyway at the ripe old age of seven - that crying doesn't solve any problems. There's *always* another way or another thing to do or something else to try at least. Sitting down and crying isn't going to get you what you want - not today, not ever. You could have gone down and looked in the big freezer, right?

weak nod

You could have dragged a chair over to see up higher, right?

nod again

OK. Or you could have just asked me, right?

She WAILED: BUT I WANTED TO DO IT MYSELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLF!!!! and fell to weeping all over again.

I pulled her onto my lap - we'd been holding hands talking up til then - and she was just WAILING. Then she said "I want to go to my ROOM!"

I said babe, just hang here for a minute. It's OK.

Nope. Not doing it. She wanted to go to her room. What could I do? I let her go and then sat there, feeling like a total momfailure.

She sat on her bed, wailing. And wailing. And wailing.

Finally I walked down the hall and said "bean, some advice. I might let you cry until you think you're done but if you are going to sit here and wail this loudly you're going to wake up your dad and then? You have a whole brand new set of problems and I can bet that one of those problems will be worthy of wailing that loud so...if that's what you want, keep up the wailing. If not? I'd suggest turning down the volume or sticking your face in one of those pillows."

I was halfway down the hall when she cranked off another series of wails. I turned around and stuck my head in the doorway and said "really, I wasn't kidding. But it's YOUR choice."

She stopped.

The thing is? This isn't a singular event. She's SEVEN fercripesake and all she does is roller coaster from happy to pouty, from jumping up and down to moping.

She is SO high maintenance emotionally. She is SO moody. She is SO tangential. She is SO all or nothing.

heeee

I typed that and couldn't help but think gosh, I wonder where she gets it...

Now the weak nod is mine.

Because I've learned to repress all those things, so I am wiggy about the fact that SHE has them all in her Life's Treasurebox? Because I know how hard it is to stuff them down under the box's top tray where you don't have to SEE them and you don't have to show all those little vulnerabilities to the world? Because I know how much ache they all cause, and how many tears I swallow when *I* want to sit down on the floor and fall to pieces weeping?

Yeah, I guess so.

Because I feel like a total fraud because *I* don't always look for those other solutions? Because I accept the status quo and deal with the emotional repercussions by dampening them down inside my heart instead of just allowing the tears to come out?

Because *I* am SO high maintenance emotionally. Because *I* am SO moody. Because *I* am SO tangential. Because *I* am SO all or nothing.

Fuck. I hate answering my own questions some days.

Circumlocution as a problem solving strategy works but dammit it can be a pisser.

Formally, I apologize to the Universe. I should know better than to question by now.

I should. Know better.

Satellite self-actualization.

The Moon doesn't weep
At the eclipse of the Sun.
Instead she delights,

Comforted, knowing
That as she Is, she reflects
Universally

Even in darkness,
Existence non-dependent;
She is what she is.

Called to religious service...

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
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